March 17, 2025
hi. maybe dating this won't be a good idea cos it shows i'm dedicated to a degree that i shouldn't be, but i'm a loser with a lack of web design skills making this work anyways, arent i special lmao/
March 17, 2025 - 3:47pm
I'm in class and tired as hell, I ate more than usual and lowkey felt like puking. As interesting as this class is I wish it was more organized to keep be gauged, but uughh idk what's going on my head hurts. Not to mention I have to go to studio after this, though it won't be too bad because I just have to cut paper and that's it. Nap time for me after wowowowowo I'm so tired rn help help help!
December 11, 2025
I'll be going home tomorrow. I can share to the world (and no one at the same time) that I've been doing better! Really funny way to word what happened over Summer: I paid $200+ to lose an entire friend group, but more importantly a friend I had for 9 years. God damn! I will take accountability to say that part of it is my fault as I crossed the border to a very uncordinated group only to tell one of them to kill herself (b) when I saw 9year (whole reason why I visited) was visibly upset about her not wanting to hangout (I saw b only once that week, mind you). And on top of that I gave the worst fucking goodbye ever to one of friends and didn't even realize. What piece of shit gives a 2 second hug only to say "Sorry!" before leaving. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I was so jittery to leave because it was my first time taking a plane by myself. Of course I was nervous, but that was still SHITTY OF ME! Another thing is my apologies were horseshit BECAUSE I WAS FREAKING OUT! "Charly you didn't seem to care when it happened at first" PROBABLY BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE GETTING UPSET IN FRONT OF PEOPLE I HAVE NO PRIVACY AROUND! I WAS ROOMING WITH 2 PEOPLE FOR A WHOLE WEEK. What made them so bad is that I was trying really hard to not talk about myself while apologizing which made me sound 10x more selfish. Fuck me. --- There are probably more details I could include like how much that group sucks at communicating when there is a problem and the way it played out makes me think they were waiting for me to fuck up to cut me off #leastfavoritefriend --- Vent aside, I feel like I've gained my personality back! I felt like I've experienced a larger range of emotions since that whole debackle and I have never been happier! (and suicidal I guess :eye_roll:). Last year was my worst birthday because I was isolated and VERY depressed, but this year WAS SOOO GOOD!!! IT WAS SO NICE TO BE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE THAT I LOVE AND KNOW THAT LOVE ME!!! I'm so grateful for the people i have in my life now and that I have strength to be more outgoing.. I even reached out to 2 friends I haven't spoken to in 2 years and it was so sweet! I can't wait to see them again! AND A COUPLE OF MY COLLEGE FRIENDS LIVE NEARBY! I love people with my whole heart, except for the ones that piss me off on twitter and occassionally wish death upon :heart:. This includes the online friends I'm still in contact now! They're in my pockets ready to be there when I'm bored or want to ramble and it's sweet they return the energy too, it's great to be comfortable and share whatever to whoever. I love all of my friends dearly AND MY FAMILY!!! If you are someone reading this I hope you're having the best day ever!!!
December 11, 2025 - 8:15 pm
Writing this right after updating thing above haha ^ I have tidbits I want to get off my chest that I couldn't fit. First, I used to have bad trust issues before I was no longer friends with these people which I guess is telling of something. idk. Second, I had to come to terms that my "bad" mental health is mostly to do with the loss and it's So Embarassing to eventually make that connection/admit. I have no real drive to consistently hurt myself, but the thoughts r loud where I have starved and cut myself a few times, but I'm clean for the time being! Third, I don't want to discredit another person I reached out to- although honestly it's weak compared to the 2 years sorry.. (6 months) and our interactions r both fun, but kind of iffy oops, mostly a me problem though oops x2.