March 17, 2025

hi. maybe dating this won't be a good idea cos it shows i'm dedicated to a degree that i shouldn't be, but i'm a loser with a lack of web design skills making this work anyways, arent i special lmao/

March 17, 2025 - 3:47pm

I'm in class and tired as hell, I ate more than usual and lowkey felt like puking. As interesting as this class is I wish it was more organized to keep be gauged, but uughh idk what's going on my head hurts. Not to mention I have to go to studio after this, though it won't be too bad because I just have to cut paper and that's it. Nap time for me after wowowowowo I'm so tired rn help help help!

December 11, 2025

I'll be going home tomorrow. I can share to the world (and no one at the same time) that I've been doing better! Really funny way to word what happened over Summer: I paid $200+ to lose an entire friend group, but more importantly a friend I had for 9 years. God damn! I will take accountability to say that part of it is my fault as I crossed the border to a very uncordinated group only to tell one of them to kill herself (b) when I saw 9year (whole reason why I visited) was visibly upset about her not wanting to hangout (I saw b only once that week, mind you). And on top of that I gave the worst fucking goodbye ever to one of friends and didn't even realize. What piece of shit gives a 2 second hug only to say "Sorry!" before leaving. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I was so jittery to leave because it was my first time taking a plane by myself. Of course I was nervous, but that was still SHITTY OF ME! Another thing is my apologies were horseshit BECAUSE I WAS FREAKING OUT! "Charly you didn't seem to care when it happened at first" PROBABLY BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE GETTING UPSET IN FRONT OF PEOPLE I HAVE NO PRIVACY AROUND! I WAS ROOMING WITH 2 PEOPLE FOR A WHOLE WEEK. What made them so bad is that I was trying really hard to not talk about myself while apologizing which made me sound 10x more selfish. Fuck me. --- There are probably more details I could include like how much that group sucks at communicating when there is a problem and the way it played out makes me think they were waiting for me to fuck up to cut me off #leastfavoritefriend --- Vent aside, I feel like I've gained my personality back! I felt like I've experienced a larger range of emotions since that whole debackle and I have never been happier! (and suicidal I guess :eye_roll:). Last year was my worst birthday because I was isolated and VERY depressed, but this year WAS SOOO GOOD!!! IT WAS SO NICE TO BE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE THAT I LOVE AND KNOW THAT LOVE ME!!! I'm so grateful for the people i have in my life now and that I have strength to be more outgoing.. I even reached out to 2 friends I haven't spoken to in 2 years and it was so sweet! I can't wait to see them again! AND A COUPLE OF MY COLLEGE FRIENDS LIVE NEARBY! I love people with my whole heart, except for the ones that piss me off on twitter and occassionally wish death upon :heart:. This includes the online friends I'm still in contact now! They're in my pockets ready to be there when I'm bored or want to ramble and it's sweet they return the energy too, it's great to be comfortable and share whatever to whoever. I love all of my friends dearly AND MY FAMILY!!! If you are someone reading this I hope you're having the best day ever!!!

December 11, 2025 - 8:15 pm

Writing this right after updating thing above haha ^ I have tidbits I want to get off my chest that I couldn't fit. First, I used to have bad trust issues before I was no longer friends with these people which I guess is telling of something. idk. Second, I had to come to terms that my "bad" mental health is mostly to do with the loss and it's So Embarassing to eventually make that connection/admit. I have no real drive to consistently hurt myself, but the thoughts r loud where I have starved and cut myself a few times, but I'm clean for the time being! Third, I don't want to discredit another person I reached out to- although honestly it's weak compared to the 2 years sorry.. (6 months) and our interactions r both fun, but kind of iffy oops, mostly a me problem though oops x2.

December 22, 2025 - 2:50 pm

It's hitting how weird it is to be traumatized and not remember everything. I just had an "oooohhhhh. oh no." because forgetting is a symptom! That I forgot about! I wonder from time to time why I think about things the way I do. Unrestricted internet access has definitely ruined me sexually as I was seeing things I shouldn't have since I was 6? 7? (DON'T LAUGH) before I was even 10 and I know it left me sexually stunted blah blah, weird fixation on drawing sewn up crotches that stopped in 2023-24 due to realizing it was because I had issues, but GAH I still wonder! At one point (multiple times, not often, once in a blue moon) I wished I was raped because I felt like it would've made more sense to explain the way I think - I have a fixation on sexual assault and seeking comfort in characters who are specifically implied/have the leg room to be seen as such (I THINK? I feel detatched because a lot of SA rep are women). Not to mention I have a good relationship with my parents who don't know anything about this and never will because I have zero interest in sharing that stuff, way too TMI that could be saved for a therapist that I don't care for at the moment because I have this. To go back- I feel comfort in my weird views on SA as well? I'm curious, but I'm nervous about having my way of thinking and viewing things changed, if art doesn't comfort the disturbed (me) then idk what I will be able to do with myself!

December 29, 2025 - 11:50 pm

Writing this as I'm about to get in the shower brb...................... December 29, 2025 - 11:50 pm .crush .mom talk .talking to friend.. i feel bad ugh - (Dec 30, 2025 - 12:55am) okay i lied i gotta do this when i wake up instead cos i'm trying to get up earlier) I should also make a new page or resize the text since this page is getting pretty long (or put it in a container w/ a scroll bar oops

December 30, 2025 - 11:01 am

If I get interrupted again istg >_> I was going to journal yesterday, but kept dragging my feet on everything I was doing even though REALLY wanted to so here I am now... 12 hours late!! I left what I was in the middle of typing yesterday because why not, you still get a glimpse into my thoughts. Originally I was going to talk about finally getting over a crush I had because it was on an online friend and i just KNEW it wouldn't work, this is someone I still want to be friends with. Came to the realization that I had talking habits that were similar to a crush and yeah the feelings were there too, but they were purposely being pushed down. I kept obsessing over this person because I overthink what I say to them specifically and it sucks because I feel like I've hit embarassment city with them anyways which is WHY I'm so cautious about what I say. She is really cute as a person anyways and I wish I could tell her she lowkey gives me cuteness aggression without sounding like a fag DX. I'm glad that I'm getting better at being friends with her because we were both scared of each other for awhile LOL. I probably still do like her a bit, but a lot of the stress of crushing on someone you know you will never ask out is gone... siiiiiiiigh. I wish/feel like I have more to say about this, maybe I like droning on about the same thought for too long cos I'm good for that. - Next thing I was talk about is that I felt less compelled to go on about a crush because I had serious conversation with my mom that lasted an hour! She brought up being a child rape survivor and I SPILLED nearly all my sexually traumatic woes onto her.. and it felt very comforting even though I had to hold back tears a few times. I love my mom so much, I'm so grateful for her. I don't know if I changed from it though, I will probably have the same weird thoughts about sexual trauma for a long time yet it's nice to know I have an adult in my life I can (somewhat) relate to and open up to. Once again I feel like I should have more to say. I don't. - I feel like I gotta up my game w/ talking to my best friend because I feel like I've been hanging them to dry in conversations lately aaarrghhhh.!!! That's a weird payoff of being really comfortable around someone is that you can disappear and still be friends, but I feel like I'm abusing that with them somehow... I'll bring this up when I get the chance! Bless you journaling cos I didn't think about bringing it up before, now here I am!!! gives my screen a faaaaatttttt kiss . mwah

11:33 am

I FORGOT TO MENTION... STARTING A NEW ART PROJECT I HAVE DUBBED THE SHILT. I have a bunch of t-shirts that I don't wear anymore, but they're too cool to get rid of so my solution is to frankenstein a quilt out of them >:o] You get look at other things I (used to?) be into aaahhh!

January 1st, 2026 - 1:52 am

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I'm not really that chipper right now because I'm tired, but my ex friend crept into my head late at night again and I made my first "big" decision in 2026 which was kicking her off my Twitter account. I wonder if I will sleep a little better. Probably not simply because it's very late, but I wonder for future nights...

January 5th, 2026 - 5:30pm

AAAHHH!!! I'VE BEEN SLACKING ON JOURNALING!!! I've had the itch for the past couple of days to write and I somehow didn't feel as compelled to get on here! "Opposition" as my dad calls it, definitely one of it's finest moments. My computer fan just got so fucking loud rn oh my god I think it's probably Steam and all my untouched tabs?? I don't keep a lot open, I like ot be minimal and clean with my organization. Speaking of Steam; I have the itch to play games today.. like Right Now. On my mind is: Murder Dog IV, 10 Beautiful Postcards, Mugen games, and Cruelty Squad... I've also been in the mood to draw Tammy from Anthology of the Killer. I aspire ot be like her so much.. If only i was a woman that drowned in 1992.. sigh... JK I just really like the way she talks and she has that business woman swag to her. She speaks the same way my brain slurs when I try to write, I love incoherent, coherent messes. Word maps of sentences. I SHOULD MIND MAP TOO. It's a really fun mediation process.. I should get stricter with my daily scheduling (as if I even have any) to make this happen. Another idea on my brain: New sona maybe? I feel very inspired by Tammy... and maybe I will have a new feeling internally that sticks forever, the one that comes out when i wrtite. I'm unsure though because it's still personal and sacred to me. I feel like virgin powdered snow and then I'll go back to making loud, raunchy jokes with friends. I wonder if I will make a friend that sees me like this first... If only I was good at creating when I felt like it, aahhh opposition you strike again. I will say I'm nervous for designing because it feels too on the nose with a friend's sona D: - Random thought just now again: I wish I had an anonymous identity among myy friends too, I should do that, I wish I could, but my art is very identifyable... I want to be slightly cryptic and re-experience starting over.

This would be a good spot to talk about other personal things like my crush resurfacing, but I don't have the energy to type that out rn... Later I hope. Kisses for u reading!!!

January 6th, 2026 - 10:48am

My computer blue-screened and I lost some of my writing progress waaahhhh. I have to clean out my closet today and I'm scared to face The Scary bag. Which contains a bunch of items I hid away from The Great Friendship Breakup Of Summer 2025. I mostly worry about the frog plushie I was gifted in 2020 because it feels like a friend I'm separating from my stuffed bunny. Did you know: I have a stuffed bunny that is as old as me. Yes I still have a plushie I had since I was a baby. Anyways I'm about to go to the gym so I will get back here later if I need to express any sorrows with The Scary Bag or anything else that comes to mind. Kiss Kiss!

January 9th, 2026 - 12:02am*

TYPED IN MY TUMBLR DRAFTS AT AN UNCERTAIN TIME* not having my laptop work means i can’t journal for a bit FUUUCK FUCK I NEED THIS PLEASE. MY FREE THERAPY FUCK. considering leaving a discord server, i’m getting so close to burnout and i think this place will kill me. I wanna hop off and lurk on another discord account but i can only think of my dead one from 2020, but that shit will give me the heeby-jeebies due to previous association. and making a new one just to hide is so horse shit although it doesn’t sound TOO bad because i’ve been thinking about cleaning out my discord anyways… sigh idk i also read Beautiful Stories for Ugly Children vol. 1 today and i WANT TO READ MORE!!! all while having Coldsore on loop… rlly good song… thank you Mr Bungle… i’m still pained i don’t have a regular functioning laptop rn because i was SO BORED earlier today. I got all my art ideas out and all i had left were my games… that i couldn’t play… been meaning to replay Anthology of the Killer too. I have other catamites games downloaded though and eugh my poor queue. No longer in the mood after reading to look into Killer7, but i’m still interested. Postal 1 I still have mixed feelings on because idk if i can play another game about being a mass shooter. I’m so fucking burnt out on Pink Valley, that’s the discord server i want to leave AND IM A GOD DAMN MODERATOR ON THERE. siiiiiggghhhhhhh this is currently being scrawled on my tumblr alt i don’t really touch, have been planning to make a new account and such to post. I kinda want to delete my blog (will archive my stuff first!!) it’s all useless shit from 2023 and older idc about. that’s not me anymore i need a new account to treat like a website kind of….. and to pay no mind to people interacting with me. what i love about tumblr is that I don’t care for people interacting with me. i might as well hide the notes. who knows anyways it’s midnight, i originally planned to message a friend out of courtesy. postponed to when i wake up because i have no mental energy to talk, buh bye!

January 9th, 2026 - 11:02pm

I'm fucking fuming right now. made the mistake of talking to someone I wasn't entirely in the mood to talking to and it's haunting me. I was better off staying silent for another few days fuck you for being ass to talk to. Stale ass bread. I also hate this fucking discord server I'm modding I need to take a break, especially since I'm so super, duper, mega bummed that I'm not hyperfixated on The Pink Valley and the server just makes it worse because everyone there pisses me off. I want to cope by grinding wiki ediitng for it, but aaaghh FUCK I'm not feeling it anymore. I'm also slightly overstimulated I GUESS IDK... I'm trying to calm myself down by drowning out my brain with more Mr. Bungle... Speaking of which I still need to buy Beautiful Stories for Ugly Children - Read the book last night it was nice :o] Fuck my [not nice word] brain for being so stupidly absorbed in electronics aaaaaaaaaahhh aaaaaahhhhhhhhh I'm so mad aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh/// I did throw out The Evil Bag without seeing much in it!! Now I'm scared that frog plush is gonna fucking haunt me. If it does, I'm so sorry to future me, this is what i get for being attached to stuffed animals sigh.

January 14th, 2026 - 11:52am

I'm freaking out really bad for two separate reasons that both have to do with coming back to school. I'm 90% sure I left the door unlocked which is why I want to go there a day early before my roommates. The 10% of thinking someone locked it for me out of kindness doesn't know my dumbass forgot my keys AGAIN because we usually have our door unlocked so the thought of taking my keys with me is not naturally occuring. Except I left it unlocked on purpose. And was getting ready to be like "OH MY GOD I THOUGHT I LOCKED IT. NOTHING HAPPENED RIGHT? I'M SO SORRY." ,but oh my god WHAT IF IT'S LOCKED AND I SPEND OVER AN HOUR ON THE ROAD FOR NOTHING... Hopefully my RA lives next to me so I could probably knock on her door and see if she has a skeleton key (or go to the office first, that's probably more wise.) Wow! Talking about things makes you feel better! Glad to know I still have a way except what if the RA is gone. I doubt it because it's two days before classes start and they're probably required to be there much earlier in preparation. I still think it's mad annoying that the school only specified when classes start... But why even offer opening if everyone leaving and coming back probably has their keys or whatever. I also need to remember to bring extra stuff for class aaagghh!! Cos I'm taking two(2) painting classes (and I'm quite excited for them, especially Abstraction). Being reminded I still have to look into art therapy. And getting a job at my touwn's pool for the time being. That would be nice :o] Ummm still feel like pacing a little bit, probably has to do with finally having my mind (mostly) sorted out from writing this idk idk idk I must come back.

8:46pm

I feel so inspired to make web stuff it's driving me crazy!!! Like a point and click or maybe I can make my own abstract webseries... So full of motivation yum (AND NO PROPER IDEAS!!!) SCREAMS

9:35pm

I'll never be myself while simultaneously am

January 17th, 2026 - 11:48pm

I feel like I'm journaling because I have to rather than the natural impulse to, if that makes sense? It definely has to do with me frying my brain to cope that school is soon. I'm in waiting mode (limbo) and it's driving me crazy because all I'm doing is wasting away in anticipation that I will finally have a schedule to work with again. I also desperately need to job seek when I get there abd twist my parents' arms to help me land a spot at the public pool because that shit is a piece of cake + duo jobs wouldn't be half bad with how the pool's schedule works. I know I'm going to be told "that's not how it works" because it's something I'm used to that I want to grab onto first before I delve into other work, BUT COME UUUUGH!!! I NEED HELP I'M GENUINELY BAD AT THIS, MY WORST TRAIT IS MY INABILITY TO START THINGS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE NEW. AND I RELLY NEED TO GET INTO THE RHYTHM OF APPLYING AND MAKING MONEY. Too bad this economy fucking sucks, but this is a good start that I should've made last year and it's HAUNTING ME. - I got distracted right after finishing that last sentence, I really hope my attention span gets corrected. Addiction to electronics is no fucking joke. I feel like it's gotten so much worse. I deleted twitter off my phone to avoid screen time (the only other app is tumble, I barely go on), but a couple days ago I had the itch to keep looking and now I it's hard to as I keep opening my laptop to have a gander. I really don't want to train my brain to get distracted more on my laptop because I have it for purely games or work and those two are separated enough- having "kill your dopamine by doomscrolling" is the worst fucking thing I could be doing for this. Sadly a reason why I'm active again is because... gulps... my crush... I thought it went away, but it's built-in instinct that I feel the way I do when she interacts with me and it's so annoying. It's not going away because it's a lot more passive. Did I ever say I've been crushing on this person for neary a year now. It's Bad. It's So Damn Bad. Feeling my heart swell is so annoying because I'm bipolar over them. UUUUGGGHHH... I feel like it would be solved if I could talk to them more often, but they're kind of dry and it KILLS me. I'm so peeved that it's instinct that I'm internally giggling and blushing and soaking it in because those 6 months made me like this cos I'm pussy af!! I want to keep yammering about it, but it's going to run dry so fast I'm just tired. SO TIRED. Of this crush I have. - Going back to my internet usage, I need to figure out how to better manage my time, organize habits to get me more detatched. Straight up schedule this stuff because cold turkeying does not do it (read last couple of sentences). I need to figure out how to fill my time with good dopamine. Like reading!! Plus I'll hang out with people when I get back so that will be nice for my brain. One last thing I must fix my sleeping schedule. I have the itch to go to my abandoned neocities and repurpose it to be a public account (yay!) but it's 12:23am as we speak. Just to think out loud I want to: Have a place to dump my switch clips, maybe a page about me, have a page to yap about ocs (DO NOT TRY AND DECORATE IT. JUST WRITE!), perhaps archive my old poetry... that one might be too much idk yet, I want to specify that I don't want anyone to make comments about my website either, that's really important to me.

January 20th, 2026 - 10:02pm

Haha look at me! I added a box now! Not the reason why I'm here. I moved back into my dorm and it's STUPID FUCKING COLD. The thermostat is okay I guess, but the draft from the window is fucking killing me. Our room is the coldest spot in this whole apartment, IT'S UNFAIR. I can't sit or lay down without feeling a breeze caress my ass cheeks, my ankles are cold as hell as we speak. The rest of me is cold as well, but it's tolerable at best rn because I warmed up enough in the living room to go sit at my desk and try to do something. I still have homework I need to hand it for my Friday class and I should probably check the syllabus' for my other classes. I hope theri rooms aren't too cold either or I will TWEAK. I'm so tired of this cold I'm going to get a heater tomorrow and it will be LIFE CHANGING!!! I also feel bade I posted too much in one sitting on twiiter. I know it's my private account, but uugh I'm yammering too much, I would be more comforted staring at an actual brick wall and talking about my own thoughts. shut up charly shut up

January 22nd, 2026 - 8:07pm

My roommate wanted me to mention her on here hi Abby hi even though you will never see this hi Abby hi :3

January 24th, 2026 - 11:24pm

i'm a terrible person

January 29th, 2026 - 9:52pm

The demons got me LMAOAOAOAOAOAO. I have a vent note sitting in my phone made 3 days ago I should probably shove in here - from what I'm remembering I ended up getting stressed pretty fast with work since I already felt myself slacking and I had to go out and buy 26387165 materials for my classes... AND I STILL DO. FUCK!!! And I definitely could've gotten work done earlier this evening, BUT I LOVE SITTING AND DOING NOTHING!!! I should schedule my day tomorrow to get work done though.. OMG AND I HAVE FIRST CLUB MEET. YAY!!! I'm not really looking forward to it rn because it's something else to worry about, but I don't think it will be that big of a deal when I start my day tomorrow... My work load isn't too bad? On-site painting might kill me though because oil paints are such a bitch to work with and with the day constantly changing on top of that. This is worse than driving :sob:. So many things to learna nd keep track of and do fast holy fucking fart balls. I will admit I do feel like I have less time to draw when I could be doing it anyways if that makes sense... curse you art ideas!! I have more to say, but now I really want to draw.. and I want to work on my other website because it's so dry! I need to do a better job at archiving oc information, although I'll end up hiding the page because I don't care that much about my ocs rn. I'd like to have a page dedicated to weird drawing of me though, that would be funny! Ummm I feel like I should have more to say other than I fell behind on journaling when I really needed to (the afformentioned demons) but I'm chill rn! And want to do other things! aaaaaaaahhhhhhh

February 2nd, 2026 - 12:29am

Holy shit it's February. I feel the need to journal because my head is going crazy and it has been a little too loud for the past few days late at night. I thought about about abusing ozempic to lose weight last night because I thought an unflattering image of me made me wish I was more spindly. Never tucking my shirt in again, especially if I have my belt on. I'm glad I'm more for taking care of myself, but ozempic would make losing weight rapidly SO EASY hashtag I LOVE APPETITE SUPPRESSANTS!!! May I never come in contact with a bottle or I'm fucked. I also keep having thoughts of my ex-friends pop into my head, it doesn't hurt as bad anymore, but oh my god it still sucks knowing I did allat and that I'm even capable of lashing out to the point of no return. Good for them, but maaaannnn. I have been occupied letting ym brain melt on The Pink Community discord at least. I'm also back to being really bad at responding to people. Anyone that feels like I have to put in more effort to talking to I immediately decide to not respond for a couple days and it's shitty of me. I like being insignificant when it benefits me like that hashtag my social battery is really out of wack. I should respond when I get up though and then not look at my phone. ARGH I HAVE A SLIGHTLY HEAVY AMOUNT OF HOMEWORK I HAVE TO GET DONE TOO... This painting class is going to beat my ass, BUT I MUST PAINT WHEN I GET UP... Every single thing I'm involved with has me walking across the whole damn campus too, fml. This class has me mixing paint while the sky constantly changes, it's HARD! But I gotta lock in and try to do it one sitting because I feel like that makes the most sense... Unless she's asking for more (PLEASE NO!!! PLEASE NO) I shoukd actually scrape my canvas and start over somewhere easier to paint since it's supposed to be the snow. It will be 30 degrees farenheit at the highest though... aaaagghhg AAAAGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I keep doomscrolling too this is bad. I definitely have more to say, but my mind is kind of out of it and I'm getting hungry even though I ate earlier. Sign I need to go to bed. I Tried working with blender againe arlier that was okay OKAY BYE I GOTTA LAY DOWN IT'S GETTING WORSE FOR BOTH MY STOMACH AND MY HEAD, but my roommate is watching a movie and I don't wanna tell her to be quiet, yet I'm fading. Omg I never complained about one of my half-friends constantly commenting on ym posst to the point of making me uncomfortable because I HATE CONSTANT UNNECESSARY ATTENTION. I was using it as a way to stay off twitter longer, but now I'm just posting with the comments turned off I am such a fucking bum. I should post w/ comments back on and see how it goes and if I'm still bothered then I will tell him this is retarded of me that I didn;t just say anything in the beginning holy fuck I'm a useless chud that still sucks at being confrontational and it makes me even more mad because it's reminding me of my ex-friends who were also ass from a shit at being confrontational WHEN IT REALLY MATTERED and I'M FUCKING DOING IT AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN.

12:56am

"ex-friends" sounds so mean to me, I feel more polite saying "former friends" instead. sigh Need to figure out my other website, I might just make it a copy of this lowkey.